Doctor's Advice

I DON'T KNOW WHAT DOCTOR WROTE THIS, BUT I LIKE HIM! HEALTH QUESTION &ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? .

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!


Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming,"Whoo!! what a ride".

Great Excuses

These are excuse notes from parents (including original spelling):

1. My son is under a doctors care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. (Hala! Sige. Silya elektrika at bitay. Sabay pa! O kaya niyo yun?)

2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. (Pag nag-absent pala papatayin ka...Baka may rabies...)

3. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33. (Aba grabe to.Hahaha!)

4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating. (Ano daw???? )

5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. (Hanapin natin!)

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face. (Bwehehehe.. -. la ako masabi...Bwahahaha! Ganito kasi yan. Kinagat siya ni Lola sa noo sa gigil. Tapos nabali yung ngipin ng pustiso niya. Hahaha!!! )

7. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins. (Buti pa veins niya. Close sila. Hahahaha!!!)

8. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.(Kakawindang. ..di ko naintindihan. .eheh)

9. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. (Aah.....eh. -...i.... .-ow....u. .-..)

10. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre)(dyrea) -(direathe) the shits. [words in ()s were crossed out.] (Sinabi na kasi LBM na lang e. Pasoshal pa kasi.)

11. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust. (So transsexual pala si Irving?)

12. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I dont know what size she wear. (Paano siya magsho-shopping kung tinago mo siya sa bahay?:?)

13. Sally wont be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral. (Ala e! Mabuhay ang Patay!! Mayroong Himala!!!)

14. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well. (Ah...so kung di marunong mag--ano ...di pala pwede pumasok... ganun?)

15. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover. (Ay grabe! Iba na talaga ang mga kabataan ngayon. Hahaha!)

16. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat,headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat,her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasnt the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night. (Hahaha, telenovela.. -. bow. Makuwento siya ha... Kulang lang sa pansin...)

17. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. (Winner to!!!!!!!!!! Anggaling!!! -! Puwede rin kaya sa office ito?)